For two years I suffered deep emotional, physical, and mental pain. I didn’t know where it was coming from and I didn’t know how to control it. It controlled me. Borderline Personality Disorder controlled me.
Warning: My story may cause triggers in other’s that are suffering from personality disorders.
My life, without warning, fell apart. It made no sense to me. It was like walking through a maze in the dark. Sometimes a horrible clown would jump out and I would faintly hear him whisper, “This is your home now.”
Other times I would be chased by zombies and demons that would chase me into grasping arms. They would be slick and cold. They would claw at me with their sharp nails, and then with a blink of an eye they would be gone.
Every once and a while I would see a brilliant light, I would quickly make a turn towards it, only to find that it was nothing but a tease. But it would still leave me with a glimmer of hope.
Other times I would end up in a fog and was quickly dragged down by freezing rain and thick mud. At least I think it was mud.
This was my darkest time. I was in Hell. I was going mad! I relate this time in my life to the wonderful Walt Disney movie Alice in Wonderland, but I am unable to trust myself, my thoughts, and my frightening delusions.
The cat in Alice in Wonderland has always intrigued me. You think he is your friend; he gives you such a welcoming smile. You start to trust him and then you realize that he is taking you to a darkness you never thought existed.
It took me two years before I realized I was the only one who had the answers. I knew the way out. I had the key. I just had to the find the door.
I stood disconnected, watching myself from the outside. I was confused, angry, and depressed with a deep aching hole right in the middle of my chest. There was a point that I truly believed that my heart had been torn out. It didn’t matter how much I cried or pleaded for mercy. Nothing eased the pain.
I studied myself from every angle. I was constantly trying to make the puzzle pieces in my head come together. I would hit hundreds of dead ends and have to back track, always trying to find a way out of the pain and away from the monsters. I would cause harm to myself which would then hurt others. Self-injury would briefly alleviate the pain but would soon be replaced with more pain and misery.
I then again hit another dead end. I was done. I couldn’t do it anymore. I finally layed back against the cold dirty wall and sank down, I was bruised and tired. I was ready to give in and let the fog take me. And then I saw it. The door, it had to be the one I’d been looking for! It was a long ways off, but it was there. I was sure of it. I checked my pocket and felt the key inside.
I started running, but the door moved further away. Maybe it was a hallucination? I became tired and slowed to a walk; my feet became sore and heavy. How long had I been walking? What if I didn’t make it? I then fell to my knees and started crawling. Tears were pouring down my face. My body ached everywhere; it felt like I was being held back by an unseen force.
I was determined to get out, no matter what it took! I wasn’t giving up! I start to remember that I have children and a husband and they love me. I miss them. I have got to get home! I start calling their names and I can picture their beautiful faces.
I finally reached the door; I was covered in bloody bruises and filth. I pulled myself up and grabbed the knob. It was slick with slime. I can’t get it to move. Then I remember I have the key! I pull it out of my pocket and reach up to the knob. I find the keyhole below it. I carefully insert the key and turn, I hear the lock disengage. I grab the door knob and pull as hard as I can. It gives way and opens to a brilliant light. I had made it, I was home. There were colors and smiles. I made it through the most horrible darkness of my life. My heart beats again and the hole is gone. I have been given a second chance. The bruises and sores start healing and I’m warm and clean. My family is here! The love I thought I had lost is here!
My life isn’t perfect and I still have a long way to go. The scars are a reminder of the pain and horror I have overcome and the strength of spirit I have gained. I will no longer doubt who I am or take the love of my family for granted. This is my life and now I have control!